Moments
by kzingirl
Summary: Mulder returns from England and everything changes. Set after "all things."


Life is made up of moments. Some you don't remember. Others you never forget. Moments of pain. Moments of sorrow. Moments of peace. Moments of clarity.   
  
The past few days have been filled with such moments.   
  
A past I thought I had left behind came back in a single instant at the sight of a man I was certain I'd never see again. In that moment I was forced to question the decisions that led me here.   
  
That moment was followed by another. One of realization. The sudden insight that what I had wanted then and what I wanted now were not necessarily the same thing. That the choices I had made, right or wrong, had taken me down a path that I couldn't ever imagine leaving.   
  
After that was a moment of calm, a moment of trust. Sitting with the sum total of every decision I had ever made I finally let go and did the only thing I could do. I fell asleep.  
  
And when I woke up I had a moment of purpose. I knew without a doubt what I wanted and who I wanted to do it with. And I did it.   
  
That moment led to two others.   
  
The first was a single moment of purely perfect happiness and security. Everything - where I was, who I was, who I was with - was exactly as it should have been. We were together and the tension was gone.   
  
However it was a fleeting feeling. For once I realized exactly what had led me there I began to do as I always had done. I started to question it. And instead of security I was overcome with dread.  
  
What now? What happens if it doesn't work out? What if it was a mistake? What if I lose everything? What if...?   
  
So I panicked and I left. I didn't even pause to think about how he would feel.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXX  
  
She always keeps me guessing.   
  
When I left for England I was almost certain that this was it. After all she'd been through with the IVF treatments I knew that she was done, with me and with the work. She'd simply sacrificed too much to continue.   
  
When I returned she met me with a smile and a cup of tea. Then she proceeded to tell me a tale filled with visions of the past, ruminations on the present and choices for the future.  
  
"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to."  
  
It hit me hard. Every choice I had ever made had led me to this moment and this woman.   
  
But what did the signs want me to do? What were they trying to tell me? Where do we go from here?   
  
I didn't have to wait too long for the answer. In fact, I only had to wait for her to wake up at which point she made that decision for the both of us. And for once I agreed with her.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
There's something about waking up the morning after with a woman you love in your arms. Sure you both have bad breath and could probably use a shower and your hair is sticking up in ways that defy gravity but none of that matters. Waking up like that is what people like to call a life affirming experience. It's one of those moments when you let out a sigh and realize that all is right with the world.  
  
That's not how I felt when I woke. You see, instead of a woman in my arms I had a woman in my bathroom trying to get dressed quickly and quietly enough so that she wouldn't wake me. I could have sat up and called her on it, demanded an explanation, but I didn't. I just lay back and pretended I was asleep.   
  
On her way out I could hear her stop and glance back at me. For an instant I hoped that the sight of me sprawled out in bed flashing her a little leg would be enough to bring her back.  
  
It wasn't. She left. And while it wasn't the first time a woman had slipped out on me the morning after it was the most painful. I wanted her to stay. More than any of the others I wanted to have that life affirming morning cuddle with her. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.   
  
So I waited until she was gone and I got up to take a shower. Usually showers help me clear my head. Sitting there, letting the water wash over me I feel as if it's taking my problems away with it's soothing spray.   
  
But there would be no relief this morning. Instead it felt as each and every drop was a question, pelting me with a persistent urgency, forcing me to review all that had transpired not just during the previous night, or the last couple of days or even the last few weeks. Drop by drop I was compelled to review every moment and every choice I had ever made looking for the signs that would give me some idea of what was supposed to happen next.  
  
I'm not a big believer in fate or destiny but I've come to see that there is a larger pattern to things, a collection of coincidences that are too coincidental to ignore. It's not so much fate as it is the sum total of the choices that we make multiplied by those made by the people in our lives. It's just that there are so many choices some important others incidental that we can't see the metaphorical forest for the trees and all that's left is for us is to describe them in vague terms like fate and destiny. We may have the free will to choose our fate but the final result is so damn complicated that we find ourselves lost on a path of our own creation.   
  
Which leaves me right back where I started - looking for a sign that I put up on a path that I carved.   
  
I quickly realize that my shower is void of signs. The same is true of my bedroom, my living room, and my kitchen. Even the mystery drawer in my kitchen filled with old matchbooks, take-out menus, and rubber bands where I find everything I can't find anywhere else isn't helpful.   
  
So with a sigh I walk to my window and look outside to see if maybe there's a burning bush or a two to point me in the right direction. No such luck there. But I do get an FBI fleet sedan.   
  
I'm not sure how long I was in the shower but considering I was contemplating the course of my entire life and my fingers and toes look like old raisins I'm gonna say it was awhile. So the sight of Scully sitting in her car long after she left my apartment is quite a shock to me.   
  
Maybe it's a sign.   
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
I'm not sure how long I've been sitting in my car but the fog that developing on the inside of my windows gives me some indication. I don't know why but I just can't turn the key. It's like it took all of my energy just to leave his apartment and now I'm stuck.   
  
I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed. Lying in his bed in his arms was the most content I've felt in a long time. In fact it was such a foreign experiences that I couldn't get out of it fast enough.   
  
If only I could go back, force myself to stay. But I can't. I know he's awake. I know he's angry and hurt. And he has every right to be. If there's one thing I know it's what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a ditch.   
  
Damnit! It felt so right last night. I was so certain I was doing the right thing. But now...   
  
Now I'm sitting in my car parked in front of the apartment of a man I just ditched only hours after jumping, a man who is probably at the other end of the cell phone that just started ringing next to me.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"Mulder, I am so sor..."  
  
"Don't. It's okay."  
  
"It's not okay."  
  
"Yes it is. Hell, I would have probably done the same thing if we'd been anywhere but my apartment."  
  
"That doesn't make it right."  
  
"Maybe. But I don't care about that right now."   
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No. Right now I want you to go home, put on some jeans and a sweatshirt and be ready for me in about an hour."  
  
"Don't tell me you've got a case. I swear, I leave you for no more than half an hour and..."  
  
"It's not a case. It's more important than that. So please, just go home and get ready. I'll see you in an hour."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
What the hell is he up to?  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
What the hell am I doing?  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
An hour later I'm no closer to learning what it is that Fox Mulder has got planned for me but I am at Sophie's Cosmic Café. It's a cozy place frequented by a mixture of families, college students, and young married professionals. The walls are a darker shade of yellow and chock full of everything from old metal lunchboxes to a red wagon to road signs. It's for places like this that the word eclectic was invented.   
  
He hasn't said a word to me since he picked me up and I'm not sure that I want him to. Usually I can gauge his mood by observing his body language but I haven't been able to pick anything up from him. He could be angry. He could be happy. He could be sad. Hell, he could be dying and I wouldn't have a clue. All I do know is that he's got a look on him that he usually reserves for only our most intense cases when he's giving it his full attention. It's a look I used to wish he would give me. Now I'm not so sure. In fact there's very little I'm sure about right now so I guess I'll just have to wait for him to say something cause God knows I'm not going to say a word until I know just what it is that he's up to.   
  
I don't have to wait long.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
I don't know what I was expecting but it sure as hell wasn't that.   
  
"Excuse me."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"What do I want?"  
  
"Scully, for the past seven years I feel like it's been all about me. I wanted to find out what happened to Samantha. I wanted to find out the truth about aliens and the government's attempts to cover them up. I wanted proof of the paranormal. And while you've tried to tell me what it was that you've wanted I've never really listened. Well, now I am. So, what do you want?"  
  
"From what? From life? From you? For breakfest?"  
  
He smiles.  
  
"All of the above."  
  
It feels like it's been years since anybody's asked me what it was that I wanted and now I've been asked by two men in only two days. I'm still not sure how to answer.  
  
"Well, I used to think that I wanted what everybody else does. A loving family, a fulfilling career, a nice house, you know... a normal life."  
  
"And now?"  
  
"Now I'm not so sure."  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess seeing Daniel again made me realize that a normal life would have meant missing out on a lot of experiences - and at least one person - that I've come to treasure."  
  
"Which bring us back to the question at hand: What do you want? From life, from me, from everything."  
  
The answer is out of my mouth before I can even think about it.  
  
"Contentment."  
  
"Contentment?"  
  
"Yeah, contentment. I want to feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."  
  
"And you haven't felt like that?"  
  
"There are moments. But I want more. I need more."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Scully, when you asked me to be the father of your baby I hesitated. Not because I didn't want to do anything and everything I could to give you what you wanted but because I was afraid. I was certain that the second you got pregnant that you would leave the X-Files and me behind."  
  
"Mulder, that's crazy. I may have taken a leave of absence but I would have come back eventually. And even if I didn't I certainly wouldn't have kicked you out of my life."  
  
"I'm not saying it was a rational fear. Still you have to be honest. It's hard to take off with your partner at a moments notice to investigate something freaky in the middle of nowhere when you've got a newborn to worry about."  
  
"There are plenty of FBI agents that function just fine with children."  
  
"But we're not just any FBI agents. And even if we were a baby would have demanded and deserved the bulk of your attention. I'm not saying you couldn't do your job, I'm saying you might not have wanted to. And that scared me."  
  
"You were worried I would care more about the baby than I would about you."  
  
"Yeah, it looks like I really am a selfish bastard."  
  
"No, just a slightly paranoid and insecure man."  
  
"Oh, that's so much better."  
  
"If that's how you felt then why'd you do it?"  
  
"After everything you've done for me, how could I refuse you anything? Besides after I thought about it rationally I realized that even if you left the X-Files that didn't necessarily mean that you'd be leaving me. I wasn't sure what role you wanted me to play in your life or the baby's but I figured you didn't just pick me for my good genes."  
  
"Well, that was part of it... but you're right... I guess I just couldn't imagine anyone else as the father of my child."  
  
"And there is no one else I'd rather have for the mother of my child. So I said yes even if it meant that our time on the X-Files would have to come to an end because at some point our relationship became more than just the work. But instead of saying or doing something I fell right into my usual passive aggressive behaviors like dragging you off on flimsy excuses for a case just to spend time with you."  
  
"England."  
  
"You just seemed so down... and rightfully so. I thought that maybe a trip to the English countryside would help you clear your head. But of course I couldn't tell you that. I had to drop hints and hope you took them."  
  
"And when I don't you take it personally."  
  
"Yeah, well, I may have gotten a degree in psychology but I never said I used it on myself."  
  
"That's okay, the only people worse than psychologists at admitting something's wrong are doctors."  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
I have to smack him for that one.  
  
"Ow! What'd I say?"  
  
"So I guess that leaves us right back where we started. What now?"  
  
"Well, what do you want?"  
  
"Oh, come on, not that again."  
  
"Just bear with me..."  
  
"Don't I always?"  
  
"Very funny. Now you said that you used to want a normal life but then you think about what you would have missed. And I said I didn't want to slow down because I was afraid of what I would be missing. Well, who's to say either of us have to miss anything?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It's the same thing I did when I thought you were gonna leave me for the baby. All I saw was two choices one that included you and a normal life and one that included you and me and the X-Files. What if there's a third choice?"  
  
"A normal life while working on the X-Files?"  
  
"Well, maybe not a completely normal life. I mean, this is us we're talking about. But we could at least give it a try."  
  
"What exactly do you have in mind?"  
  
"Like today. Let's just ditch work and spend the day together. Go to the park or a movie or a museum or whatever normal people do when they enjoy spending time together."  
  
"What about last night?"  
  
"You mean other than the fact that is was amazing?"  
  
There's that smile. It's a wonder I didn't sleep with him sooner.  
  
"Yeah, other than that."  
  
"I don't know, what do you want to do about last night?"  
  
"Will you stop..."  
  
He laughs.  
  
"Just kidding. But to be honest I'm not sure what to do. I know I don't regret a second of it and I don't want to forget that it ever happened because it felt... right. But I don't think we should move in together either. All I do know is that I want to spend a normal day together as normal people."  
  
"I don't know, we're not exactly normal people."  
  
"Maybe Special Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI aren't but Dana and..."  
  
"Fox?"  
  
"Can we go with Will? It's what I told everyone to call me in college."  
  
"That's not what Phoebe called you."  
  
"Cause I asked her to call me Will."  
  
"I don't know. I could get used to calling you Fox."  
  
"Which is exactly why I'm asking you to call me Will. Besides does Fox sound like the name of a normal guy to you?"  
  
"Alright... Will. If you insist on ruining the fun then so be it. But normal or not I'm thinking a guy named Fox would have a much better chance of seeing some action."  
  
"Trust me, he doesn't. At least not with normal girls."  
  
"Who said I was a normal girl?"  
  
"Now you're just teasing."  
  
"Only cause I know you like it."  
  
"It's going to be a long day isn't it?"  
  
"And I'm going to enjoy every second of it."  
  
"Well then, Dana, let's get started."  
  
"And how should we do that, Will?"  
  
"Well, what do you want?"  
  
"Oh, God..."  
  
"I meant for breakfast. I don't know about you but I woke up positively famished."  
  
"You know what? So did I."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
It doesn't matter what we had for breakfast or even what we did for the rest of the day. It was two people sharing a normal day doing what normal people do. And it was perfect.   
  
That night he drove me home and walked me to my door. Standing there (in my hallway, of course) he gave me a long sweet good night kiss.  
  
"Thank you. I needed that."  
  
He smiles in a way that only he can.  
  
"The day or the kiss?"  
  
"Both."  
  
I decide to go for it.  
  
"So... Will..."  
  
I'm still getting used to calling him that.  
  
"...would you like to come in?"  
  
"I'd love to but I've got work tomorrow and... well... I was kind of hoping that we could take this slow."  
  
Oh no, he did not...  
  
"Slow? In what way could 7 years EVER be considered slow?"  
  
"Mulder and Scully may have known each other for 7 years but Fox and Dana are just getting started. So why rush?"  
  
"Oh so now it's Fox..."  
  
He shrugs gives me a quick kiss and a smile and then he's gone.  
  
I swear trying to understand that man is enough to make you question your sanity.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Later that night I'm about to close out of my email when an annoying sound informs me that I've got another message:  
  
Subject: Dearest Dana,  
  
Today was positively wonderful and while I'm sure tonight would have been equally pleasant I thought it best to slow the pace a bit. It's what normal people do, isn't it? Still a part or should I say parts of me are quickly beginning to question the logic of that decision. Then again when has anything I've done been logical? I can only hope you understand.  
  
Well I should go. I miss you already and I can't wait to see you again.  
  
F  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
God help me, but I think I love him.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
THE END 


End file.
